Picture this. Your almost-three-year-old, let's call him Timmy, is pushing a big truck around the kitchen. The baby is just learning to crawl. You turn to stir a pot, and then you hear it: the smack, followed by the cry. You spin around, and there he is, still holding the truck.
If you have ever been in the thick of toddler hitting, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You are not failing. We have young kids, and we can teach them what to do. That is our job.
I'm Mandy Grass, a board-certified behavior analyst, a parent coach, a mom of three, and a blended mom to seven. I have had three toddlers myself, so I have definitely been there. This is the plan from my episode of The Behavior Blueprint.
Listen to the full episode
This post is based on The 4 Reasons Your Child Might Be Hitting and How to Stop It. Listen on Apple Podcasts or find The Behavior Blueprint on the podcast page.
Why does my toddler hit? Hitting is doing a job
If you want to know how to stop toddler hitting, start here: every behavior is doing something for your kid. When we can figure out what it is doing, we can teach a better way to get it done.
Hitting usually falls into one of four categories:
- Attention. They want you to look at them, connect with them, or respond to them.
- Access. In the truck example, Timmy wanted unthreatened access to the truck. This is a very popular function with toddlers.
- Escape. They are trying to get away from something. Does your toddler hit when bath time is over, or when you pick them up for a diaper change? That may be about escaping the demand.
- Automatic or sensory. They are hitting to feel better, the way thumb-sucking or bouncing your foot can be automatic.
I want you to be careful with that last one. Automatic behaviors absolutely exist, but we over-assume "sensory." I once decided Lola was riding the dog because it was sensory and impulsive. She very kindly told me she was just trying to get my attention. More often than not, it is not sensory.
Be a behavior detective for a couple of days
This does not need to be a deep analysis. For a couple of days, write down what happened before the hit, who got hit, and what happened exactly after. I do this in my phone: Timmy was on the floor with his truck. His sister got close. He hit her. Then Timmy got his truck and went away. That's pretty clearly access.
Your note might say, "I said we don't hit," or "I brought him to his room," or "I didn't do anything and he kept playing." Zero judgment. I just want you to be accurate. One behavior can have multiple functions, especially if your child is really in a hitting phase. Look for the nuances. Patterns are where function emerges.
It's not so much who got hit that we respond to. It's the situation. Timmy could hit his sister for your attention. If you pick him up and have a big talk in his room, the child who was already fighting for your attention just got your undivided one-on-one time. That can be totally appropriate when you need to keep everybody safe. I just want you to be mindful of it.
The other way can backfire too. If you assume it's attention and you take the sister to another room, but the function was access to the truck, Timmy might be thinking, "This worked wonderfully. Not only do I get the truck, nobody is even threatening to touch it." Same idea at bath time: if you walk away when he hits, and the function was "I want two more minutes," he just got more bath time.
What to do in the moment
Because hitting can hurt someone, we do want to always respond. That does not mean a lecture or a removal. It means we use our body to protect the other child, and we move kids apart if we need to. Be mindful of a large reaction that pours a ton of attention on the hitting, especially if it's attention-seeking.
You can say, "I'll know you're ready to talk when your hands are quiet." Then show them exactly what that means. "Quiet hands" is ambiguous. In my house, it's folded hands, fingers intertwined, because you cannot hit if your fingers are intertwined.
This is not foolproof. I once told a kindergartner who was pushing to put his hands in his pockets. He had a hoodie pocket that goes through, and he just pushed people through the pocket. So we define it, we show it, and we may need to tweak it.
Be careful with "Why did you hit her?" It is such a fair first reaction. I have done it. It usually gets you "I don't know." If they can tell you they wanted the truck, we launch into the replacement. If not, we still teach it.
Teach a replacement that works as fast as the hit
This is the part I don't want you to skip. The baby gets close, the toddler hits, the baby cries, you move the baby, and they keep the toy. It works really well, and it works really quickly. Whatever we replace it with has to work equally quickly.
When my youngest, Marley, had two older siblings, I taught the girls to give the baby something else. You could hand Marley a wooden spoon and she'd be happy. You can also teach the older child: if that truck is so important, put it on the counter, go to another room, or ask me to pick the baby up.
Don't just say, "Okay, next time do that." Next time might be in three days. Role-play it now. "I'm going to put your sister back on the floor. Which one of those are you going to try?" This is errorless modeling. Don't start with "What should you do?" Say, "Here's something else. You can move your truck. You can say, 'Mommy, will you help?' Which one? Let's practice."
I know what you're thinking: Mandy, I'm trying to cook dinner. You're right. You can't always drop everything. But you did respond when he hit, even though you were cooking. The replacement needs to work as quickly as the hit did. This is not forever. Once the new skill is established, then we work on waiting, starting with 10 seconds, then 20, then 30. Parents often skip ahead to "in five minutes." That's too far removed from a behavior that was working immediately.
I once used this in a classroom. I was chatting with a kindergartner, then I turned to a tablemate, and he stood up and kicked me. I named it: you did not like it when I removed my attention, you kicked, and it worked. Instead, tap my shoulder and I will respond every time. We practiced. He did not kick me again. He did tap my shoulder about 50 times. That felt like a lot, but the kicking stopped, and then we taught the wait.
If this feels labor-intensive, I get it. It usually goes faster than you think. And if the hitting is happening a lot, as terrible as that is, it also gives us a lot of chances to practice what to do instead.
Practice before the hard moment
When Marley was little, she built with magnet tiles, the tower would get knocked over, and she would hit. On Saturday mornings, before the tiles even came out, I would preview it: this is probably going to fall over, and here is what we can do. Then I would build my own, knock it over, and model the response. If you know the trigger, preview it, and if you see him tighten up, prompt the strategy before the hit.
Also catch the moments he does not hit: "I love the way you kept your hands to yourself." Be careful not to say, "I'm glad you didn't hit. You shouldn't be hitting." Just name what he did. With toddlers, that follow-through has to be immediate. Behavior charts are more appropriate closer to four.
This is a little bit of a hot take. In our home, we do have rules around "I'm sorry" if you hurt somebody's body or feelings, or break something that was theirs. I will encourage an apology. That's not the hill I want to die on. What I want to focus on is what they're going to do differently instead: "I'm sorry I hit you. I should have moved my truck."
If the hitting is about your attention, teach a way to get it: "It seems like you might want my attention. You can say, 'Mommy, can you sit with me?'" It's also okay to walk away if you need to keep bodies safe. When you walk away, outline how to get your attention back: "When you can show me quiet hands and sit on the stool, I'll be happy to come back." There has to be a clear path back to you.
Sometimes it can get worse before it gets better, because we are changing how we are responding. Hitting in this age range can be very age-appropriate, especially as language is still developing. If hitting is severe, starts suddenly, or keeps getting worse, talk to your pediatrician or a behavior professional.
FAQ
Why does my toddler hit, especially a sibling or the baby? Often because it works, and it works quickly. A common pattern is access: the baby gets close to a toy, the toddler hits, you move the baby, and the toddler keeps the toy. It can also be attention, escape, or, less often than we assume, sensory. Look at what happens right before and right after.
What should I do in the moment when my toddler hits? Always respond, because hitting can hurt someone. That does not have to mean a lecture. Block the hit, move kids to safety, keep your reaction small if attention is the function, and show a clear "quiet hands" so they know how to get you back. Teach the replacement once everyone is calm.
Should I make my child say "I'm sorry" after hitting? In our home, an apology belongs on the list if you hurt someone's body or feelings, or break something of theirs. I will encourage it. I will not make the apology the whole intervention. I care more about rehearsing what they will do instead next time.
Is toddler hitting a sign something is seriously wrong? Not by itself, especially while language is still coming in. It is often age-appropriate, and it is still something we can teach a replacement for. If the hitting is severe, starts suddenly, or keeps getting worse, check in with your pediatrician or a behavior professional.
A next step, if you want one
If you want a worked-out plan for hitting or a meltdown, come to my live workshop, The Meltdown & Hitting Game Plan, on Wednesday, November 18, 2026, at 8 PM ET. It's $47 and the replay is included. It's free if you're in The Club, my $12-a-month parent membership with live Q&As and a place to bring me your real-life situations.
If this helped even a little, send it to a friend who is in the toddler-hitting phase. You are not failing. We can teach this.
