They don't do this for anyone else. School says they're perfect. The coach has no problems with them. Then they come home and completely lose it on you.
You are pulling your hair out trying to figure out what is happening here. We have definitely all been there. Here's the thing, though: this is really good information.
If we know our child's behavior is different in different places, we can often rule out a skill deficit. We don't have to jump straight to "it's impulse control, do we need OT, do we need something else?" because we already know they have the skill. They use it at school, at practice, at grandma's.
So instead of thinking, "Why do they only do it to me?" I want you to ask yourself: what is different about when they are doing it?
I'm Mandy Grass, a board-certified behavior analyst and parent coach. On this episode of The Behavior Blueprint, I talked about what kids learn across different people and different places, and why "only with me" is not a verdict on your parenting. It is a pattern we can change.
Listen to the full episode
This post is based on Why Does My Kid Only Act Like This With Me?. Listen on Apple Podcasts or find the show on the podcast page.
Different place, different conditions, not a different kid
Knowing how to do something, and doing it under every condition, are different skills.
Our kids might already know how to clean up, get dressed, speak appropriately, follow directions, and sit through school, and still not reliably do those things at home. This does not mean they are manipulating you. Adults behave differently under different conditions too. Have you ever noticed that your partner can do bedtime in five seconds flat, and if it's you, it takes hours? I might raise my voice with my child or my partner and not with my boss. Part of that may be emotional regulation. Part of it is that I know the response I am likely to get.
In behavior analysis, a consequence is simply anything that follows a behavior. It is not automatically a punishment. What happens before and after helps us understand why a behavior keeps occurring. The four functions are still the same: attention, escape, access to something, and automatic or sensory.
Your kids have thousands of interactions with people. They know what happens when they do it with mom, with dad, with a teacher, with a coach, with grandma. Different person, different conditions, different learning history.
A big one in my house is snacks at soccer. I am not buying anything. I preview it: we are not getting anything at the concession stand. If my parents are there, the kids know they're getting something. That does not mean they have a different skill set with my parents. It means they have been conditioned that Gram is going to buy the Gatorade no matter what.
The vending-machine problem: why "I tried everything" can make it stronger
I was working with a family whose child was swearing. One of the first things I asked was, what's happening at school? Never at school. Never at soccer. Never really in public. Only behind closed doors.
My immediate reaction was, this is great information. He can inhibit it. Something is different about the condition at home. Of course the mom still felt targeted. Why is it so difficult for me? He knows how much I dislike it.
What I want to know is not just why he is swearing. I want to know what happens when he swears, and what would happen if he did it at school. At home, it often looks like this: "Don't speak to me like that." They swear again. "That's disrespectful." Maybe, "I'm serious, I'm taking your phone away." Or, what I hear all the time: "I've tried everything. I've ignored it, I've responded to it, I've given a punishment, and nothing is working."
That mix is often intermittent reinforcement.
Here's the analogy. You go to a vending machine for a Diet Coke. You hit B6 every day, and it usually drops. One day it doesn't. You have a learning history that B6 gives you the Diet Coke, so you hit it again. If you hit it ten times and it finally falls, what do you think you'll do the next time it gets stuck? You might hit it 10, 12, 14 times, because you just learned that if you hit it enough, it will fall.
That is intermittent reinforcement, and it works. If you ask for the phone, I say no, you ask over and over, and I finally say yes, we have started the bar over again. It is frustrating. I also want you to know that I get it.
There are so many reasons a parent hands over the phone at dinner. Maybe you want to actually talk to the other adult. Maybe the service is terrible. Maybe you have been on a sports field all day and you do not have it in you to fight that battle. All of that is totally fair. Just notice the pattern, because each "okay, fine" can reset the bar.
We have a learning history too. I have done this. We were watching football, I walked behind the kids, saw they were on YouTube during iPad time, and I made a conscious decision not to say anything because I really wanted to watch the game. About ten minutes later I did address it. I am telling you because we are part of the condition.
I am also guilty of the "five minutes" that turns into 20 at a friend's house, while I am mid-conversation, and then I am suddenly serious: shoes on, now. Then I am frustrated that they don't have their shoes on, even though I created that condition. I parent differently in public than I do behind closed doors. In their defense, I respond differently in different environments, so they do too.
You can be the safe person and still have boundaries
Yes, you may be their safe person. I want to be careful with the idea that therefore our kids can have absolutely terrible behavior because they feel safe with us.
Two things can be true. We can be a safe place and have firm but caring boundaries. We can give our kids a place to vent and relax, to not have to hold it all together, and also not be their punching bag. I want to validate the feeling and replace the behavior. If your kid is swearing because they are having a big feeling, great. Let's give them a place to do that on purpose, not intermittently all day in a way that is offensive and hurtful.
What to actually do about it
Start smaller than you think. When parents tell me "they're not listening" and they want to change everything at once, that target is too broad. Pick something super specific and measurable, mostly so you can see success and then add the next thing. "Get shoes on within five minutes of being asked" is a target. "Behave" is not.
For the child who was only swearing at home, we did two things. First, we replaced the condition. He could ask for a "swear conference." If you're having big feelings, you're welcome to go take a swear conference. Second, we used a time-based DRO, which is just differential reinforcement of other behavior: if he went two hours without swearing, he would earn something. You want that to be immediate at first, because the swearing is already working quickly.
The phone-at-dinner version is the same idea. One mom told me the kids never asked for her husband's phone. I said, he never gives it. She said, I know, he's far more predictable. That's the whole point. If you have been handing over the phone at restaurants for a year, going cold turkey may not be realistic. We need a replacement, and we may need to shape it down.
Talk about the expectations before you go. Ask, what should we bring instead? In our family, we love Left, Right, Center. Start from the current habit and bring it down, rather than ripping it out in the most public, exhausting setting of the week.
When I'm coaching parents, I often say let's meet every two weeks for half an hour and focus on one little thing. Then next time, we add something else. If you try to implement every strategy at once, you burn out, because responding differently is a lot of work.
Your child behaving differently in different places does not mean you are a terrible parent. It does not mean they save their worst behavior for you. It means there are different conditions at play. Understand the function, understand the conditions, and change one specific pattern at a time. It's really good information. And we can change it.
FAQ
Why does my kid only act like this with me, and not at school or with other people? Usually because the conditions are different, not because they lack the skill. If they can do it for a teacher, a coach, or a grandparent, they have the skill. They have a different learning history with you: different responses, and often a longer history of sometimes getting what they want if they keep going. Ask what is different when it happens, not "why are they targeting me?"
Does this mean I am the "safe parent" and I should just let it happen? You can be a safe place and still have firm, caring boundaries. Feeling safe with you is not a license for you to be their punching bag. Validate the feeling, then give them a replacement (like a planned "swear conference" or another way to vent) instead of accepting the behavior all day.
I ignored the behavior and it got worse. Did I do it wrong? Not necessarily. If a behavior has been working, and then it stops working, kids often try harder before they try something else. Think of the vending machine that finally drops a soda on the tenth try. Ignoring only works if it matches the function, if you can hold it, and if you teach what to do instead.
How do I start changing a long habit, like the phone at dinner? Don't try to change everything, and don't always go cold turkey. Pick one specific, measurable target. Preview the new expectation, bring a replacement (a game, a plan for what to do instead), and shape the habit down if it has been in place for a long time. Consistency matters more than a perfect first night.
A next step, if you want one
If you want help seeing the pattern when you are too close to it, that's what 1:1 coaching is for, and it's why I tell parents to pick one small thing at a time. If you want the foundation first, Behavior Basics walks through the four functions of behavior and how to respond in a way that actually matches the "why." The Club is there if you want ongoing support while you practice.
You are not a terrible parent because they fall apart with you. You are the person they have the most practice with. That's useful. Now we get to decide what we want that practice to look like next.
